Piece of Cake
by satine86
Summary: For Shepard, celebrating her birthday isn't exactly a piece of cake. Rating T for swearing, innuendo and crack.


Inspired by a tumblr post featuring tommygun cakes, the Citadel DLC, and an ensuing conversation with a friend (covenmouse).

* * *

She'd never made a big deal out of her birthday, it just never really mattered. Sure, she always took a moment for herself, maybe bought herself a new scope or mod, maybe had a glass of good scotch. Just little treats, here and there over the years.

Today, however, all of her plans for a quiet day were ruined. Someone-she suspected Joker or Liara, or hell, it could've been Miranda-had sniffed out the fact it was her birthday. She supposed she couldn't really fault anyone, they were on leave and only looking for a good time.

Though when she walked into the apartment for her not-very-surprising-surprise party, she was a little startled to find the entire place looked as if the party store had vomited all over it. Her eyes met an abundance of brightly colored streamers and balloons and confetti, while her ears were assaulted with the sound of multiple party horns ringing out at once.

There was the booming voice of Wrex, "SHEPARD!"

"I should go," she mumbled, meaning to escape back through the front door.

"Oh, no you don't! This is your special day!" Traynor yanked her farther into the room-she was surprisingly strong.

"What are you doing?" Shepard arched an eyebrow at Tali.

"A party hat!" she exclaimed, slipping the offending thing over Shepard's head. "It's a human custom, isn't it? Joker said-"

"Of course he did." Shepard heaved a sigh, there was no chance for escape now, might as well try to enjoy herself. She looked around the room, inspecting a bit closer, and found a pile of gifts on the coffee table. "You guys didn't have to go through all this trouble…"

"Don't worry, Shepard, I'm only here for the liquor."

"Glad to know you care, Zaeed." He chuckled and held up a glass of amber liquor in salute. It was at that moment Shepard noticed something very important. She narrowed her eyes, scrutinizing the people gathered as she would a battlefield. Almost all of them were already sloshed. Great. The realization of this seemed to be a signal of some sort as a large shadow fell over her.

"Here you go, Lola." James grinned, holding out a cup to her.

"What is that?"

"Special birthday drink."

"Do I want to know what's in it?"

"Probably not."

Shepard shrugged, muttered 'what the hell' and grabbed the drink. She took an experimental sip, found it actually tasted rather nice, and went for a bigger gulp.

###

She had no fucking clue what was in that drink James had given her, but after a few cups, she found the punch packed a punched. Heh, that was funny. Her head was fuzzy, her mouth was fuzzy, her body was fuzzy. Actually everything was very fuzzy right now. Heh, that was funny too.

"Time for cake!" Joker yelled, the lights dimming. She was guided over to a flaming blur on the kitchen counter as Joker led everyone in a rousing round of "Happy Birthday." It was atrocious. But sweet. Taking a deep breath, Shepard blew out the candles, feeling light headed for the effort, and the lights came back on. She had to blink several times to get readjusted to the harsher lightening in the kitchen.

"What are those?" she cried, finally focusing on the different cakes cluttering the counter. Shepard gazed down at the intricately designed confections: all were shaped like a different gun she had used in battle, and all were surprisingly accurate, except for the obnoxiously colored icings.

"Cool, right? Personally, I wanted to get them all in the shape of a turian's d-" Joker stopped short as Liara slapped a hand over his mouth.

"I advised Joker that his original idea was not appropriate, these seemed more… you." She gave Joker a warning glare before withdrawing her hand. "That one there is dextro friendly, by the way."

"Oh, I get cake!" Tali exclaimed, bouncing slightly. "I never get cake."

"Guys?" Shepard eyed one of the cakes, a perfect replica of her favorite Locust Submachine gun. "This one is…. ticking?"

Considering the fact she was in a room full of highly trained soldiers and biotics, all of whom had faced down mercs and husks and collectors and a million other atrocities between, it was downright sad the way they all scattered. Chaos reigned for a moment as their drunken minds tried to figure out what to do. In the end it meant every single person found a damned good hiding place while Shepard was left hold the bag, so to speak. The ticking sound increased dramatically before there was a loud _POP!_ and cake exploded everywhere, covering Shepard head to toe in the sugary remains.

"Huh," Garrus muttered, popping out from behind the kitchen island. "Didn't quite think it'd do that."

"You did this?" Shepard wiped a glob of frosting from her eye, flicking it from her fingers.

"Garrus, buddy?" Joker sidestepped some of the remnants, trying not to slip and break a leg. "When I suggested a surprise, I meant like, you jump out of the cake, not blow it up."

"But Zaeed-"

"See, that was your problem, you listened to Zaeed."

"It was a test," the mercenary grumbled, leaning against the wall near the fireplace. "Everyone failed. Shepard, you need a better team."

"You're insane," Shapard growled.

"At least I didn't piss my goddamn armor like everyone else here."

"What'd you say, human?" Grunt took one menacing step toward Zaeed.

Shepard held up her hands, stopping them both before anything got started. "Right, well. Thank you, Zaeed. I'll make sure we all run drills on how to properly disarm a _cake_."

"Shall I make a note for you, Commander?" Glyph appeared three inches from Shepard's face, and she had to choke down a startled yelp.

"Thanks, that'd be great," she said slowly. Silence settled over them them a blanket, even the music that'd been piping through the speakers seemed muted. Wait, had a cricket just chirped? "Alright everyone, back to the fun, for heaven's sake. This is a party, not a council meeting!"

Everyone snapped to at the command, jostling about for more drinks, and the music came whirring back to life louder than before. Shepard settled back against the wall near the kitchen, content just to watch everyone for a while. As she stood there, eyes flitting over her crew, there seemed to be a ripple through them... like the ground right before a Thresher Maw appeared.

"Something just grabbed my ass?" Jacob cried, looking around frantically.

James laughed a moment later. "Same here, whoever it was needs to do it again."

"And mine." Kaidan yelped, jumping slightly. "Twice!"

"I was just testing something, no need to get upset." Kasumi shrugged as she blinked into focus.

"Yeah, well stay away from mine, you might break something." Joker shook his head.

Jack took a swig of her beer and clapped a hand on Joker's shoulder. "If you can get nasty with a sexbot, I think you can handle a little ass grabbing, sparky."

"Or perhaps Jeff was warning you away in case I decided to break something on your person, Jack. He is my human, after all." EDI paused. "That was a joke."

Shepard snorted to herself, focusing on the pair in the corner. "Asari, explain to me the importance of 'birthdays'. Do they always end with explosions? If so, I believe I am finding your primitive celebrations to be far more entertaining than originally thought." Liara opened her mouth to reply, but Shepard's attention was called back to the kitchen.

"Don't worry, Shepard, Samara and I will have everything cleaned up in a moment." Miranda glowed blue, as she and the Asari put their biotics to use. Even Cortez kindly assisted them, sweeping chucks of cake into the garbage.

Tali appeared at Cortez's elbow, inspecting the counter-top. "Oh good!" she cried, clapping excitedly. "The dextro cake is still intact!"

"So..." Garrus leaned against the wall next to Shepard. "Good party then?"

"Not bad," she shrugged, grinning. Pushing away from the wall, she reached for his hand, yanking him toward the stairs.

"Shepard?" he cocked his head.

"Well, you're the reason I'm a mess at my own party." She gestured toward her cake covered clothes. "Seems only fair that you help me clean up."

"Ah, right. Of course, fair." He looked around the group, a bit nervous, mandibles twitching.

"No one is paying attention. Come on," she tugged on his hand.

They made it halfway up the steps before Joker's voice boomed after them. "SEE! I told you we should've gotten cakes shaped like turian dicks!"


End file.
